"Real" Life and a Post to Susie

Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Current mood: touched Category: Life
I started "the job" last week. I find myself realizing all kinds of annoying facts about this event. Such as, this is the first "real" job I have had since in the US since i went into the Peace Corps going on 5 years ago now. And, this is the first "thing" I have ever went back to. I have business experience, degree in Social Work, TESOL experience, a real estate license and as I have left each thing I always think "well, this is something I can always fall back on". And now, I am falling back... and oh gee, that might be exactly the right way to put it. After being overseas and seeing other cultures my perspective is a lot different. I find though, that my sense of hopelessness is also. And I don’t even have any cases yet. I feel frustrated with the band aids we put on. I feel frustrated with the over-abundance of services we offer. I feel frustrated that there are a billion ppl working for a billion different agencies that are all involved with 5 billion families. Everyone is over loaded and one family is on 10 different ppl’s case loads from 10 different agencies. It seems silly to me. But hey, it’s employment. On the plus side... my changed perspective... I don’t feel as serious as I did when I worked in Child Protection. I mean, I take things seriously but I don’t feel all freaked out. I know I am good at working with people, and I feel more ok with the fact that we all have choices and we can choose to live our lives the way we want to a huge degree. I think in the past my focus has been to be angry with "the system" where as now I feel like its more important to teach people about options. I wonder if there will really be any difference in frustration level :) I am applying for my master’s, and with that I hope to work more with people who want the services I can offer versus people who are forced to have the services I offer. I so so so so hope that will make a difference :)
Last bit I want to add... it’s strange how my PC experience is sometimes all around me. Suddenly I am meeting ppl from the islands, and hearing from PC friends, and ppl in my life now are asking me to go back and remember... It comes in spurts, it really does. With the current spurt, I found out that our field rep Susie died. I don’t think she was much into her 40’s and she died of cervical cancer in Hawaii. She was an awesome woman, so inviting, and so happy and pleasant to be around. She smiled a lot and always found the good in life. It makes me laugh... that sounds so like the kind of thing you say about people who have passed on... but it was so freakin’ true. You know, did she have her downfalls? Sure. As our field rep was she a pain in the ass sometimes? Of course. But even in life man, she was one of those women that, had someone asked about her, it would be her strengths that people mentioned. Even in life people noticed her smiles and good nature. Her perserverance in an oppressed country, a sexist country even. Isn’t it strange that with someone’s passing we always think about ourselves? "Did I tell her I loved her? Did I get in touch with her enough after I found out she was sick? Did she know she was awesome to me? Did I do enough? Did I stay in touch?" Basically, was I a good friend? Did I make the time? Isn’t it strange that no matter what, no matter how much you may have emailed, or visited for that matter, or sent money, or cared, or thought the world of her... it just wasn’t enough for those left behind. Is this guilt normal I wonder? Or just part of my dysfunction? And as the guilt encompasses me I berate myself for feeling it "this isn’t about YOU, it’s about this great woman whose presence is no longer available to all" I think to myself. I cried when i found out. I sobbed actually. I found myself surprised to be feeling the loss so intensely. And in so many ways. The loss of a great woman, the loss of one of my own connections to Chuuk, the loss of an email friend, the loss of someone so young in general... some losses felt selfishly, and some not. Is it not human nature? I know I will visit Chuuk again one day. In my vision of that visit I always imagined her at the gate. I always imagined I’d hang out with her. *sigh* So, I did mourn her loss intensely, and I felt good about doing that... but alas, as life would have it, this bout with PC rememberances is not over as the emails trickle in from other PC friends sharing the loss and it hits me all over again. She is gone. With that being said, to any of my PC pals out there who actually read this shit... :) I’m thinking of you, obviously specifically the Chuuksters, and my heart goes out to you. I wish we could have a Chuuk reunion as I had on the phone with B the other night and just rehash all the fun and good times we had with that woman, lol. She was something, wasn’t she? Damn. And she really was...