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I had this all typed up and the computer shut down. Grrr. And let me also mention that this connection is like 21.6K and it makes me crazy to even get on this thing and try to do anything.

So now I don't feel like going through it all over again. But I will. I have been off around now for almost 3 years. I have been home 3 times in that time, this being my 4th. I really felt like I knew what to expect, but the reality is never what you imagine it to be is it? I still can't help but look for a garbage for used tp versus flushing it. I still can't help giving and receiving money with two hands. I still can't help but be awestruck at commercials in English. And I knew these things would weird me out. I knew seeing people would too, but it's still not what I expected. It's like... it all is what I expected, but because I expected it I thought it would not be impressionable; but it is.

I was more excited to come home this time than any other time. I prided myself on not crying when I left Korea. I thought it meant I was making a "right" decision. And in 3 days of being home I had had 3 crying jags, and oh no, not the "gee this is great" variety. But more the "I don't belong here who are these people what have I got into" variety. The instant I had the "I don't belong here" feeling it was familiar, but I had forgotten it. Now that I remember it though, I also remember it doesn't last long, thankfully. Soon, instead of sitting in the midst of family and friends and feeling like time has stopped for no one but me and I am not really here... soon, I will be back in the midst, the center even, blabbing a mile a minute about last night's episode of Survivor, or about the new restaurant down the street, or about what so and so is doing... But for now I am at that in between stage. Can I ever really be part of this? And even do I want to be? And gee, I wish I could talk to a friend from Korea who knows where my life is at right this moment... but of course, that moment has also passed. Soon my old friends will once again be my new friends, and new friends I had made in Korea will be old friends. Life is interesting.

While in this stage, re-getting to know everyone in spits and spurts, I am enjoying some time alone refamiliarizing myself with home. Driving around the country and seeing the wide open spaces, almost hitting deer and marveling at their beauty as they prance off across the fields, gettting scratched up and sneezed on by my family's 5 sick cats. Yes, I said 5. It's nice. I HAVE missed the country.

I don't know. It's all strange. Even as I sit here I feel antsy. Like I should be doing something I'm not. I have a job offer from Indonesia I was supposed to have responded to by today. And I can't take it. I feel like I want to, or I should want to, or I will want to... but I can't, right now, tell them yes, I will be there come February. And I'm not sure what that means. Am I going to be idle here for the next month or so?

Well, I'm making myself crazy, which is why I haven't blogged before now. I knew I would. So, I'm off to find something to take my mind away from my uncertain and unknown future...