What Next?

My rampant indecision about my life's path makes me crazy. Every few weeks I have some new idea of where I want to be and what I want to do. The room-mate points it out each time I have a new endeavor in mind. He says "This summer alone you have decided to move to Hawaii, move back home, and move back to Sedona; I am certain that after your upcoming trip to San Diego you will decide to move there next." I did go to San Diego. And I did daydream of a life in that city living on the coast, strolling the boardwalk by night, the beach by day... but I did not return 'wanting' to move there... thankfully. I read the writings from my pals in Korea and think 'hey, why not head back there?' I check out what's happening with family members I developed on Pollap and definately think I should be there again, lol. I chill in Sedona for a weekend and decide to go live off the desert as a hippy after I finish grad school... that makes a ton of sense, doesn't it? I go back to school and decide I'm going to get my PhD next but first I'm going to get grant money and develop some much needed services in this city. Then I talk to a friend trying to get into the foreign service and I check that out online and it is definately for me. A high school friend came to visit and she's a nurse so now I have university catalogs coming in the mail from schools that offer a BSN as a second undergrad degree. This is for the benefit of all of you out there who think I am NOT crazy. See, I am! All I really really want to do is live in this moment now. I want to be ABLE to do that. Why have I been planning what's next since the end of last school year? I want to be in the now and I want to be open to the opportunities that come my way when I finish school and choose from them AT THAT TIME! Lol. Please.

Time Flies

Over a year? Really? This explains some of the snarky comments I randomly get regarding my blog. I deeply apologize and warn it will most likely happen again.

So, quick update... I started a new job last March, the month of my last post. I do blog more at myspace but I'm behind there too... So I work for a behavioral health organization that serves children of low income families. Over a year... wow. Fall of last year I started school at ASU. I'm half way to my master's in social work. I love the program, hate our system :) So, it's summer now and I'm just working so maybe I will catch any readers left out there up on the past year. But... not tonight :)

"Real" Life and a Post to Susie

Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Current mood: touched Category: Life
I started "the job" last week. I find myself realizing all kinds of annoying facts about this event. Such as, this is the first "real" job I have had since in the US since i went into the Peace Corps going on 5 years ago now. And, this is the first "thing" I have ever went back to. I have business experience, degree in Social Work, TESOL experience, a real estate license and as I have left each thing I always think "well, this is something I can always fall back on". And now, I am falling back... and oh gee, that might be exactly the right way to put it. After being overseas and seeing other cultures my perspective is a lot different. I find though, that my sense of hopelessness is also. And I don’t even have any cases yet. I feel frustrated with the band aids we put on. I feel frustrated with the over-abundance of services we offer. I feel frustrated that there are a billion ppl working for a billion different agencies that are all involved with 5 billion families. Everyone is over loaded and one family is on 10 different ppl’s case loads from 10 different agencies. It seems silly to me. But hey, it’s employment. On the plus side... my changed perspective... I don’t feel as serious as I did when I worked in Child Protection. I mean, I take things seriously but I don’t feel all freaked out. I know I am good at working with people, and I feel more ok with the fact that we all have choices and we can choose to live our lives the way we want to a huge degree. I think in the past my focus has been to be angry with "the system" where as now I feel like its more important to teach people about options. I wonder if there will really be any difference in frustration level :) I am applying for my master’s, and with that I hope to work more with people who want the services I can offer versus people who are forced to have the services I offer. I so so so so hope that will make a difference :)
Last bit I want to add... it’s strange how my PC experience is sometimes all around me. Suddenly I am meeting ppl from the islands, and hearing from PC friends, and ppl in my life now are asking me to go back and remember... It comes in spurts, it really does. With the current spurt, I found out that our field rep Susie died. I don’t think she was much into her 40’s and she died of cervical cancer in Hawaii. She was an awesome woman, so inviting, and so happy and pleasant to be around. She smiled a lot and always found the good in life. It makes me laugh... that sounds so like the kind of thing you say about people who have passed on... but it was so freakin’ true. You know, did she have her downfalls? Sure. As our field rep was she a pain in the ass sometimes? Of course. But even in life man, she was one of those women that, had someone asked about her, it would be her strengths that people mentioned. Even in life people noticed her smiles and good nature. Her perserverance in an oppressed country, a sexist country even. Isn’t it strange that with someone’s passing we always think about ourselves? "Did I tell her I loved her? Did I get in touch with her enough after I found out she was sick? Did she know she was awesome to me? Did I do enough? Did I stay in touch?" Basically, was I a good friend? Did I make the time? Isn’t it strange that no matter what, no matter how much you may have emailed, or visited for that matter, or sent money, or cared, or thought the world of her... it just wasn’t enough for those left behind. Is this guilt normal I wonder? Or just part of my dysfunction? And as the guilt encompasses me I berate myself for feeling it "this isn’t about YOU, it’s about this great woman whose presence is no longer available to all" I think to myself. I cried when i found out. I sobbed actually. I found myself surprised to be feeling the loss so intensely. And in so many ways. The loss of a great woman, the loss of one of my own connections to Chuuk, the loss of an email friend, the loss of someone so young in general... some losses felt selfishly, and some not. Is it not human nature? I know I will visit Chuuk again one day. In my vision of that visit I always imagined her at the gate. I always imagined I’d hang out with her. *sigh* So, I did mourn her loss intensely, and I felt good about doing that... but alas, as life would have it, this bout with PC rememberances is not over as the emails trickle in from other PC friends sharing the loss and it hits me all over again. She is gone. With that being said, to any of my PC pals out there who actually read this shit... :) I’m thinking of you, obviously specifically the Chuuksters, and my heart goes out to you. I wish we could have a Chuuk reunion as I had on the phone with B the other night and just rehash all the fun and good times we had with that woman, lol. She was something, wasn’t she? Damn. And she really was...

lolcats!

The move to Phoenix complete. Been spending most of my time applying and interviewing for jobs and grad school, and the rest of my time procrastinating doing either. Nah, I've also been exploring the city and its dark and quirky corners, as well as the brightly lit run of the mill corners... but alas, I get away from myself... I've been contemplating the cats.
See, we have two cats, Joel and I, (and for those who'd ask as so many have.. no, we did not move down here together as lovers ;) more precisely, we have Joel's cat Slider, and my cat Phaser. As often is the case, it wasn't always so. The cat's were once all Dave and Veronika's cats... or maybe they were Dave, Veronika, Kristin, Brian and Joel's cats, I'm not sure. What I do know, is that, in the world of cats I might be considered a "stray". A stray human wandered in off the streets, out of the wilds. Back when I was newly stray (I hear my mom talking about her strays and how their names always start off as "cat that doesn't come in the house" until they wiggle their ways into hearts and get let in; makes me wonder if one of the master cats didn't name me "human that doesn't get to stroke our silken shine") there were 11 or so cats in the home I moved into. Like my brother Jody and "cat that doesn't come into the house" Phaser immediately let me stroke her silken shine... like Jo, sneaking in the forbidden strays. So yes, I have felt a connection to Phaser from the beginning and have, by the fate of the Gods, ended up with her as "my cat".
These two have such unique and individual personalities and I struggle to understand them and what drives them. Are they driven by fear? Or desire? What are their actions based on? I also like to contemplate the ways in which I differ and am similar to each. Wonder if my connection to Phaser has more to do with our similarities or our differences. Slider likes to lounge and is a big ol' cat compared to Phaser. She is hungry for attention and cuddles. She likes all kinds of stimulation including having her belly rubbed. She likes to follow us humans around but doesn't stray, even when she follows outside. Oh she looks and appears to be considering jumping up on the wall to see what is on the other side, but then instead gives in to the comfort of the human lap beneath her and begins a song and lays her head down to be spoiled. Her relationship with Phaser is shaky at best. But the big lazy beast seems to have the upper hand and often corners Phaser in the 'litter room' or in my closet or she guards the food. When they are together Slider can be heard giving out a distressed 'meuw' until lavished with some attention or until she slaps a paw down in demanding recourse and Phaser goes running. Sometimes I can identify with Slider and her desire for all attention and her enjoyment of lazy relaxation at the hands of others. I still do not know Slider and all her ways, she is newest to my family, but I am learning.
Phaser, on the other hand, I have had lots of time with. First when I moved down here and into the top bunk in Joel's room, which I believe had been primarily her bunk up until then. Not willing to give it up she grudgingly let me share it with her and would also, on occassion, allow me to pet and scratch her. Then later she moved into my room at the condo in Sedona. She was only in that room due to spats with the other two cats then living with us. The first night she literally had the shit... scared? out of her in the bathroom. Not wanting a repeat performance she made my room her recluse. Before moving down here Joel and Slider stayed at the condo for a bit and the two were witnessed sleeping together... so upon moving here, we have had community food and litter for them. Now, they say... the 'others', those not stray.. that Phaser has never gotten along with any of the other cats. There seems to be debate about why. Is it the others dislike her for some unknown reason? Or does she bring it on herself with her reclusive ways? In any case... we moved and the apt was an open wonderland for both cats... and where can we find Phaser? In my room. Phaser sleeps on the end of the bed, and sometimes in the night, and most mornings will come and find my hands so she can rub her face against them in the way she wants to be rubbed. She does enjoy having her back rubbed where it meets her tail though and will stay still for this. She chases my rainbow thrower while Slider lazily and evilly watches her play. She is lean and remote. She spends much time in my closet or under my bed and mostly only comes out to eat when she has human's protection from Slider. She seems to understand that when i am around she can join me and Slider on the bed, but if I walk into my room and Slider is on my bed Phaser will most likely be in one of her hiding places...driven there by Slider. She doesn't come off as real shy, or mean, or really even scared. She just is. Surprisingly she responds to my 'click click' of tongue to teeth, so when she follows me outside on rare occassions and jumps up on the wall I can easily call her back... so far. I have no screen in my window and when it is open and there are sounds she is alert and looking. One day I fear she will find her way out... but I also have faith she will find her way back. Of course, I identify with her, and seem to know her much more intimately than I do Slider. She always finds her safe haven.. she does venture out, but cautiously. She fears others. And she wants what she wants when she wants it :) I'm so curious to know if she brings on these attacks from other kitties or if they just intrinisically do not like her. Does her weakness draw the bully out of them? Or is she an untouchable bitch? Lol... cats.

Christmas Birthdays

As a child I felt ripped off at having my birthday right after Christmas. Always the "Christmas-Birthday" gifts. And freezing, sopping wet, red-nosed sliding parties. Ugh. As we grow older into adulthood I notice people, including myself, tend to do this 'year in review' type thing at their birthday time. Kind of like New Year's Resolutions. So then, as an adult, I feel lucky to have a Christmas Birthday, or actually a New Year's Birthday as I am actually closer to that than to Christmas; because what that means is I only have to do this 'year in review' crap once a year! Yay! Lucky me :)
And so, I quickly approach yet another year marker. 3 is my lucky number and as such, 33 was supposed to be a doubly lucky year. This was my mantra throughout the first part of the year; by the second half of the year that mantra had fallen by the wayside, discarded, used up, bullshit really... or so I thought. But now, as I sit year recollecting, it really has been quite the year. I mean really, I haven't even worked over half of it... how can that be bad? Of course, I have also found myself living like a poor college student at the age of 33 as a result of that.. but hey, we choose our own course, right? Is money anything? To start off my 33rd year I was able to take part in a mometuous moment for Sara's company, ASAP. A company which I have a strong affiliation too, not only because its hers but also because I spent 4 years of my blood, sweat, and tears there and many people I love have put even more years into it. I was able to help the company move into, and organize itself in a brand new, amazing building.. and it was so very enjoyable. Then I took 3 MONTHS and just drove around the US. Come on, lucky? I visited old friends, new friends, family and saw parts of the country I had never seen before. I also reunited with a lost friend, Joel.. which led me to my current humble abode here in Arizona. I was able to waitress at Johnny Rockets, where we danced every hour on the hour (what fun is that?), and I took a course and got my real estate license. A little formal education is always a good thing, yes? Ok, so the job hasn't been all I had hoped for, and my financial situation isn't where I'd like it to be... but wow, that means I have resolutions I can make! Am I every lucky!
I've made some mistakes here in AZ, some things I wish I'd done differently.. but I've learned a lot about myself. I've made some new friends, rediscovered my spirituality, and fallen in love on a daily basis with the beauty and kindness of this place and its people. I'm excited to be alive, and I'm excited to live and feel the days to come. I'm excited to revel in life with those I love. I'm excited to rid myself of past self-destructive behaviors and embrace life with less fear than I have had. And I'm excited to have almost completed my 'doubly lucky' year, so I can move on to the next with a new mantra something along the lines of 'it just keeps getting better baby!'
Maybe it would be good to do this review thing a couple times a year... but ya'all know that in truth I do it all the damn time :) So I'm glad to have just one "official" time to do it. Christmas Birthdays... aren't they wonderful?

Live and Learn

A kindred spirit of mine recently wrote about her enjoyment of doing the "where was I a year ago" thing. I also love to do this... and as she just wrote of it; I had to stop a minute and think about last year, the year before... and such. I do this often enough that sometimes I worry I do not appreciate now enough. I love the past, this is true. But I love now also; and part of what I love about now is knowing that next year I will look back on it with fresh and different eyes... next year I will see it differently and think such things as "damn, I didn't enjoy that enough" and "damn, I sure was a silly thing, wasn't I?" and "boy, if I am ever in a situation like that again, I will certainly do something different". Such is life... I figure if we never look back then how can we learn from our mistakes? And if we never appreciate what was... how can we appreciate what is?
And thus I commence on a little "last year" trip. It seems an appropriate time as I have also just started a new journal having filled the one I started a little over a year ago. Interesting also; all who love me know I journal so I get journals as gifts often. The one I just started is very special to me as it is a "moon" journal and was given to me by a very special woman... back Christmas of 2000. And I have been carrying this empty journal with me for the last 2 years... since I traveled to Egypt... waiting for what felt like the right time to start it. Even though I had it with me I have chosen other journals when i could have chosen it. And now, in Sedona, land of nature, Native culture, shamans, the moon and bright night skies, and many other things... now was the time. And so, with reverence, I reopened it two nights ago and read the poem this very special woman had left in it for me... and I began. Every new journal is a new journey. It is a new beginning, a new story, and very ritualistic for me.
Alas, I digress... a year ago...Wow. I just reread the closest entry of my journal; which was the 19th... a year ago in two days. And wow. Ok, the little wow first... Background first. I was still in Korea and had already told my director I would stay longer than my one year which was fast approaching beginning of October. I was talking to this guy in Egypt about taking a job as a private tutor. And also thinking about other overseas teaching jobs... like Indonesia. I had a nice savings (my how times change) and money was no consideration for me. I had hopes of hanging in the states for a month or so. All of this I wrote about; but also I was upset with myself on this day for not journaling enough and for spending much of my free time channel surfing. Channel surfing is no treat in Korea; although I must say their custom of showing half a program and then having 20 minutes of commercials at one time and then showing the second half was kind of nice. But yeah, I remember being a channel surfing freak for a few months there... and now I find myself, once again, tv-less. Not true, we have a tv, just no cable thus no channels. Even before PC I had went tv-less once. It's an interesting phenomenon. Little wow. The big wow in this journal entry is that as I was writing about and questioning what I should do next I wrote..."I'm ok hanging in the states, but I want to go other places, I don't want to get stuck. Could I hook up with Joel?" Ha. I hadn't seen hide nor hair of Joel for 3 years when I wrote this a year ago. And here I am, in his land :) Strange. Not too long ago I was telling him how I have romanticized his life to friends I have met on the road... like in PC I had at least 2 ppl interested in traveling the US with me to look up this "hobo who lives out of his RV and just travels from place to place". And now I have looked him up... it's so weird I mentioned him in my journal a year ago. Funny really.
Two years ago I was in the midst of traveling in Egypt and taking phone interviews for teaching jobs on hotel lobby phones. I talked to the man who hired me about 2 years ago from Luxor. I was sending paper work and putting everything together... and much like now; I was living on credit in the belief that I would soon pay it all off... huh. My kindred spirit also mentioned the circles of life... huh.

New Homes

Current mood: fitikoko Category: fitikoko Travel and Places
I started my new job and moved into a condo in Sedona this last week. I signed a 6 month lease. So there :) So after 8 months of being home from Korea and not really knowing what is next, it seems I am finally settled for a spell. While a 6 month lease makes me nervous and a bit claustraphobic, I can't begin to describe the elation I feel at having my very own space. I learned in PC that I really do love communal living; but I must have a place to be alone. On Pollap it was jungle or the unpopulated half of the coast and while it was a pain to get there I still went every single day. And while it was a pain to wander off alone I still did it. I love having my own space. So for the first time in over 4 years, my name is on a lease. Huh. Interesting. I'm a big girl again :) And I have a home again. On Friday I will even have a mailbox. A real place of residence to get my mail... not a peace corps office address, or a Korean Hogwan (private school) address... my very own address. Cool.

Currently listening : Nocturama By Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds Release date: 11 February, 2003